Soul petrol

Returning home from my daughter’s wedding early last week,  my car nearly coasted in to the gas station on fumes. This was kind of surprising, seeing as how I’m usually a person who fills the tank when it falls below half.

The next day, however, I realized that my personal “gas tank” was as low or lower than this gauge.  I hadn’t anticipated this. I chalked it up to tiredness and figured I’d be fine the following day.

The wedding was wonderful.  My daughter made a very beautiful bride (even if I am biased), and my son in law was as handsome as they come. The venue was breathtaking…the weather was picture perfect. Even her parents’ divorce didn’t dampen the moment. With the ink on our decree less than six months old, my ex husband and I got along very well. All of his siblings came and they were respectful, even inclusive.

I had all three of my children…healthy, happy, and in one place, at one time…our family and friends all gathered together with us. The whole setting was the stuff of dreams…how blessed I was to get to see my daughter’s dreams coming true.

Everything had gone really well. And yet…afterwards… still, here I was, motivation, energy, enthusiasm… all pegged, on “empty.” The grey, the numbness was palpable.

I told myself this was normal. I called a couple friends. I sat down and tried to write out what I was feeling. I tried a funny movie. It wasn’t funny. I tried favorite music; I felt nothing. For a couple days, I indulged in my tried and true carb-laden comfort foods. None of these things worked.

In the end, instead of desperatly continuing to figure a way to fill myself up I, instead, surrendered. I emptied my tank even further, choosing to have a long cry. I can’t tell you why the tears, I just know they were necessary.

My dog gave up her preferred spot to hop up on my bed and glue herself to me, all night. If I opened my eyes, she opened hers, lifted her head slightly and stared at me until I closed them again.

In the morning, I figured I owed her a longer walk. There was a plume of smoke rising, in the distance, from a brush fire.  I sent an ‘arrow prayer’ up that it might be contained quickly. “Wow, the sky is really blue,” flitted across my mind.

Walking. Breathing in slowly…and exhaling slowly. Feeling the warm sun on my arms. Watching my dog excitedly zig zag back and forth on our walk.

There it was. I could almost hear it.   ….the switch.

The ‘little things’ started registering again. The refilling has started.